Texts from Away Games
The following are short, funny snippets between our favorite football players and Evie during away game road trips. What started out as random fun rapidly turned into a story within a story. Because I can’t ever just do anything the easy way.
Rob: What are you wearing?
Eva: Pajamas. Why?
Rob: Are you in bed?
Rob: Get naked and touch yourself.
Eva: Alex, does Rob know you have his phone?
Rob: This is Rob.
Eva: What’s the capital of Burundi?
Eva: Nice try. That’s the capital of Kenya.
Rob: Dammit. I was so close.
Eva: Good night, Alex. :)
Rob: Save me.
Rob: Half the guys on the team have food poisoning.
Eva: OMG, are you sick??
Rob: No, I didn’t go to the club with them.
Eva: Why do I need to save you?
Rob: Do you have any idea how bad this bus smells right now?
Eva: OMG, hahahaha
Rob: I need you to fumigate me when I get home.
Eva: As you wish, Superjock.
Rob: I really needed that geek humor just now.
Rob: THANK YOU. <3
Alex: Is Mike with you?
Eva: No. Why?
Alex: He won’t answer my texts.
Eva: Stop annoying him.
Alex: I need you to go find him.
Alex: I need to borrow his jock itch cream.
Alex: Whatever. He had it last week.
Eva: Buy your own!
Alex: Haste makes waste.
Eva: That is not what that means.
Alex: Jerk it til you make it?
Eva: That’s not even a saying.
Alex: Go buy me some itch cream.
I need it when I get back.
Eva: I need more friends who aren’t guys.
Eva: I’m bored. When does your bus get back?
Rob: About four hours from now.
Eva: I’m bored.
Rob: So you said. LOL
Eva: I’m bored.
Rob: Take a nap. Read a book.
Study. Do HW. Watch a movie.
Eva: I want to be bored with youuuuuuuuuu
Rob: I love you too, honey.
Mike: How you doin?
Mike: What? What’s eew?
Eva: Why would you ask me that?
Mike: Because I want to make sure you’re ok?
Eva: You know that’s a pick-up line, right?
Mike: ...No. No, I did not.
Eva: It is.
Mike: Can I get a pass because I haven’t used one in YEARS?
Eva: I guess.
Mike: So? How you doin?
Eva: *head desk*
Rob: I’m really nervous.
Rob: We have an actual shot this year.
Eva: That’s a good thing.
Rob: It’s our first away game.
Eva: I’m aware.
Rob: Against a really tough defense.
Eva: You’ll be fine. Just do your thing, Superjock.
Rob: I know I always said cheerleaders weren’t my thing, but…
Eva: Rah rah, sis boom bah?
Eva: Quick feet. Quicker mind. Control.
You got this, QB.
Rob: I love you.
Eva: I know.
Rob: Have I ever mentioned I’m so glad you aren’t a cheerleader?
Mike: Alex is pissing me off.
Eva: What else is new?
Mike: Can I punch him?
Eva: Since when do you need my permission?
Mike: Good point.
Eva: Did you punch him?
Mike: No. Rob wouldn’t let me.
Eva: I’m glad you listened to your father, sweetheart.
Mike: Thanks, Mom.
Rob: I can’t sleep.
Eva: How is that possible?
That game today was insane!
You went into overtime...TWICE!
Rob: This bed sucks. There’s not enough pillows.
The blanket is like a piece of paper.
You’re not here.
Eva: I asked Siri what I should eat for dinner.
Eva: She said my dead fellow passengers.
You watched Alive alone again, didn’t you?
Eva: I may never eat again.
I can’t sleep. I’m so freaked out.
Rob: You do this to yourself, you know.
Eva: What did you do with my boyfriend?
Alex: Um, nothing?
Eva: Why isn’t he answering my texts?
Did you murder him, then hide his body??
Alex: You were watching horror movies alone again.
Alex: He’s taking a shit. His phone is on the nightstand.
Stop texting every five seconds. You’re ruining my mojo.
Eva: 1. TMI 2. Mojo for what?
Eva: I hate you.
Alex: Where’s Rob?
Eva: Um, with you. On the road.
Alex: No, he isn’t. I can’t find him.
Eva: What do you mean you can’t find him??
Eva: (adds Mike to group text) Where’s Rob???
Mike: No idea.
Eva: How the fuck do you assholes lose your QUARTERBACK???
Alex: Stop playing with us. Did he hide in the closet so he wouldn’t have to go to BFE Idaho?
Eva: Why are you doing this to me??
Mike, find him RIGHT. NOW.
Mike: I didn’t see him on the plane. I haven’t seen him at the hotel.
Is he seriously in bed with you right now? I’ll kill that asshole.
Eva: OMG, I’m calling Coach!
Alex: You have Coach’s personal number?
Eva: Because you assholes can’t be trusted with MY quarterback!
Mike: Don’t call Coach. He’ll be pissed. You could get Rob in trouble.
Eva: He’s missing! How is that not being in trouble?
Alex: He’s not missing. We just can’t find him.
You two are sitting in your hotel room, laughing at me right now, aren’t you?
Alex: So hard.
Eva: I’m calling your father.
Eva: Where’s Rob?
Alex: In bed next to me.
Eva: Why are you sharing a bed?
Alex: He likes me better than you.
I need you to deliver a message.
Alex: Isn’t he texting you right now?
Eva: Yes, but I don’t want to tell him over text.
Alex: So, you want me to do your dirty work for you?
Eva: Because it’s important. He needs to know as soon as possible.
You’re his best friend. He’ll take it better from you.
Alex: You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?
Eva: I’m pregnant.
Alex: I’m not falling for that twice.
Eva: *sends picture of positive pregnancy test*
Alex: OMG, is that yours?
Eva: Of course! Please just tell him, Alex!
Alex: Maybe I should wait until after the game tomorrow?
Eva: He’ll be mad if he knows we both knew before he did!
Alex: Shit. You’re right. Ok, give me a few.
Eva: Thank you. <3
***fifteen minutes later***
Alex: I’m going to kill you.
Alex: He really had me convinced until he couldn’t act anymore and burst out laughing.
I can’t believe I fell for that. TWICE.
Eva: Payback’s a bitch, Fossoway.
Think about that the next time you tell me my BF is missing.
Alex: Mike did that, too! Why didn’t you prank him?
Eva: He would have killed Rob.
Eva: I’ll get Mike. Don’t you worry.
Alex: Can I help?
Eva: OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!
*two hours later*
Rob: What’s wrong??
Eva: You were on TV!!!
Have you been lying about watching our away games?
Eva: No! I saw your interview after the game!!
Rob: Oh, that. I felt like such a dork.
Eva: No way! You were awesome!
Definitely the sexiest dork I’ve ever seen. ;)
Rob: That reporter just wouldn’t shut up!
Eva: Your hair was all messy and sweaty…
Rob: I hope they didn’t air the whole interview.
Eva: You look so good in uniform....
Rob: I had no idea how to answer some of his questions.
Eva: And your eyes, and your smile, and your dimple...
I got such a lady boner watching you.
Rob: Wait. What?
Eva: Sorry! Bed time!
Rob: You can’t just say that and then go to sleep!
Get back here!
Oh, I see how it is.
You’re horny and thought you could make me suffer, too!
Well, I have news for you!
I’m not going to touch you for a whole week!
Wait. That’s like punishing myself.
You better at least be getting yourself off in our bed.
Alex: Why haven’t you pranked Mike yet?
Eva: He’s harder to prank than you are.
Eva: Forget it. Why are you texting me?
Shouldn’t you be doing team stuff?
Alex: Team stuff is done. We’re waiting to board our flight.
Eva: So I’m supposed to entertain you?
Alex: Yes. You’re a letdown so far.
Eva: Fuck you, Fossoway.
Alex: I’ve heard that before.
Eva: I’m sure you have.
Alex: So, if you haven’t come up with a prank yet for Mike…
Eva: Those three dots scare me.
Alex: I have the perfect plan.
Eva: Oh, God.
Alex: Has the package been delivered?
Eva: What is this? A spy novel?
Alex: That would be so much cooler than real life.
Yes. All is in place.
Eva: Remind me never to get on your bad side.
Alex: Don’t fuck over my brother, and we’ll be good.
Eva: Speaking of Rob, did you tell him yet?
Alex: Hell to the no! He can’t keep his mouth shut!
Eva: What?!! Yes, he can!
Alex: I can see how from your perspective he can.
He DOES hide a lot from you.
Eva: YOU’RE the one with the big mouth!
Alex: Hey, I play both sides.
Eva: That’s it. Now you’re just pissing me off.
Consider this war.
Alex: Bring it, Papageorgiou.
Eva: It’s on, Fossoway.
Alex: Lemon drops when I get back, tho?
Mike: Stay out of my room this weekend.
Eva: Okay. I don’t exactly have a key.
Mike: That didn’t stop you two weeks ago.
I’m STILL finding glitter in weird places.
Eva: Weird? Weird like where?
Mike: You don’t want to know.
Mike: I can’t believe you abused my trust like that.
Eva: Oh, please. You had it coming after you and Alex
pranked me a few weeks ago.
That’ll teach you to tell me you lost my boyfriend.
Mike: So, you admit it was Alex’s idea?
Eva: I never said that!
Mike: OH, PLEASE. You’re not that devious by yourself.
Eva: Well, that’s insulting. I can be devious.
Mike: Prove it.
I know I’m going to regret asking this, but…
Mike: Help me think of a good way to get back at Alex.
Eva: Oh, that. I already have a plan. :D
Mike: You ARE devious!
Eva: Told you so!
Alex: Evie, u there?
Eva: Oh, sure. It’s the middle of the night on a
Saturday, but I’m always at your beck and call.
Alex: Damn straight.
Eva: What do you want?
Eva: So help me God,
if you texted me in the middle of the night
because you’re bored,
I will kill you when you get home.
Alex: Wait! Don’t put down the phone!
I really need to talk to you about something!
Eva: Over texts?
Alex: Yeah…I’m too embarrassed to
say it out loud.
Eva: Ok, now I’m worried.
Alex: I got served with child support papers today.
Alex: Yeah. I’m freaking out.
I didn’t even know I knocked anyone up!
Eva: How did they even find you at an away game?
Did it happen where your teammates could see?
Eva: OMG, Alex!!!
Alex: I know. I fucked up this time. Not in the good way.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do.
The guys are giving me so much shit.
Eva: I’m so sorry.
Please know I’ll be there for you however you need.
What did Rob have to say about it?
Alex: He said you shouldn’t mess with his BFF4LYF.
Eva: Wait. What?
Alex: You thought you could prank the master?
Eva: I am actually going to kill you.
Alex: You’ll have to kill Mike first.
Be on the lookout for any suspicious packages this weekend.
He’s trying to play us against each other.
Eva: Like I’m going to believe you.
You’re just trying to mess with me.
Alex: Suit yourself.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Mike: I think we need to call a truce.
Eva: Why? Alex didn’t appreciate his
duffel bag being laced with itch powder? LOL
Mike: Oh, he appreciated it so much,
Rob is going to scratch his hair off until
he’s bald all over.
Mike: I don’t know how, but he KNEW.
He switched bags with Rob. The trainers aren’t
sure if he can play tomorrow. His skin is actually bleeding.
They think he had an allergic reaction to it.
*adds Rob to group text*
Eva: Baby?? Are you okay???
Rob: Yeah? Why?
Eva: You’re dead to me, Michael.
I can’t believe you chose the Dark Side.
What did he offer you?
Mike: Laundry and homework for a month.
Eva: I’ll double it. Join the Force.
We’re the strong side, right Rob?
Rob: Hell, no. I’m a Vulcan. This prank war is illogical.
Does not compute.
Mike: WTF are you two talking about??
Eva: Never mind. Join me, and together,
we can overthrow the evil forces of…ALEX!!!
Rob: I’m out. Plausible deniability.
*leaves group text*
Eva: What’s it gonna be, Mitchell?
Mike: Probably a nuclear meltdown.
But, won’t it be fun to watch the world burn?
Mike: You scare me.
Eva: More than Alex?
Mike: No. Alex is the supreme overlord of everything.
Eva: It’s been you this entire time, hasn’t it, Fossoway?
Mike: You’ll never beat me, E. Give up now.
Also, give Mike his phone back.
His mom’s been trying to call.
Mike: I know. Jesus, she’s annoying.
It’s like every five seconds!
Eva: This would be an excellent opportunity for a prank.
Mike: I love you.
Eva: I know.
Eva: Some chick has been following me around
all weekend, begging for your number.
What do you want me to do?
She won’t take no for an answer.
Alex: Ignore her. She’ll go away eventually.
Eva: I tried that! It’s not working!
Alex: It’s tough being friends with the
hottest guy on campus, isn’t it? ;)
Eva: It’s not that hard to be friends with Mike.
Alex: Low blow, babe.
Eva: Don’t make it so easy next time.
She camped outside my dorm room overnight.
I tripped over her when I went to pee this morning!
This is not cool, Alex!
You know being followed freaks me out!
She’s everywhere! I’m having panic attacks!
Alex: Shit. I didn’t think about it.
Okay, okay. Is she still around?
Give her my number. I’ll take care of it.
Eva: Thank you. <3
*thirty minutes later*
Alex: I can’t believe you!
How could you use that against me?
Eva: Hey, I have to live with it.
If I can make it work for me once in a while,
that’s my prerogative.
Alex: I’m telling Rob.
I can’t believe you!
Eva: You said that already.
And go ahead. He refuses to get involved. ;)
Alex has added Mike and Eva to a group text.
Eva: What’s up, losers?
Ganging up on me now, are you?
Alex: You go first, Mitchell.
You’re her brother from another mother.
It should come from you.
Mike: Evie, where are you?
Eva: Uh…sitting in my dorm room?
What are you idiots planning?
Mike: I have some bad news.
Eva: Like I’m going to fall for that.
Alex: The only reason we’re not on a
three-way call right now is because the coaches
ordered media silence. If they find out we’re talking to you,
we’ll be in deep shit.
You need to listen. This is serious.
Eva: Okay, sure.
Mike: This isn’t a prank.
Rob got busted at the hotel with cocaine in his possession.
Eva: Haha. Good one.
Alex: We’re not joking. He’s lucky a trainer found him.
They’re keeping the police out of it.
He’s locked up in Coach’s room.
This is bad, Evie.
Mike: You practically live with him.
Has he been acting weird lately?
Hiding stuff from you? Having unexplainable personality shifts?
I read on Google cocaine makes you feel invincible.
It gives users a ton of energy. Has he been sleeping less?
Eva: Honestly, I’m disappointed in you both.
This is pathetic.
Alex: THIS ISN’T A PRANK!
WE’RE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, EVIE!
Eva: Sure. Because caps lock sells it better.
Mike: DAMMIT, EVIE!
Eva: I gotta go. I’m getting a call.
Stay classy, boys.
*twenty minutes later*
Eva: OMG, OMG, OMG
That was Coach.
Mike: Holy shit. What did he say?
Alex: Is Rob going to be arrested?
Eva: He asked me all the same questions
He wanted to know how long it’s been going on!
Alex: Fuck, he thinks you KNEW?
You would never let Rob do drugs!
Eva: What are we going to do???
My boyfriend isn’t a drug addict!
Mike: Everyone has a breaking point.
You two have NEVER dealt with what happened.
Alex: Fuck you, Mitchell. This is not the time.
We gotta help Rob.
We’ll get him into a treatment program as soon as we get back.
Mike: You can’t force someone to get help.
Eva: Whose side are you on, Mitchell??
Alex: Forget him. We’ll take care of this ourselves.
Eva: How, Alex?
I didn’t even know he had a problem!
OMG, I’m the worst girlfriend ever!
Mike: No, you’re not.
Anyone can keep secrets if they try hard enough.
If we didn’t know, then you wouldn’t, either.
Alex: Fuck, I’m the worst friend ever.
I should have known.
Mike: What did I LITERALLY just say?
Eva: How can you be so laid-back about this?
Rob is using cocaine!
OMG, what are we gonna do???
Rob has added Eva, Alex, and Mike to a group text.
Rob: *texts picture*
Alex: WTF am I looking at?
Mike: Why is Coach smiling like that?
Eva: OMG, we’ve all been played.
Alex: NO. NO WAY.
YOU GOT COACH INVOLVED???
Rob: Say it.
Mike: Say what, asshole?
We’ve been freaking the fuck out!
Rob: Say I’m the best.
Eva: I’ll say it.
You’re the best.
Alex: I’ll actually give her a pass.
I’d admit he’s the best if he was fucking me
on the regular, too.
Rob: I’ll castrate you later for that comment.
In the meantime, what have we all learned?
Mike: How to give people a heart attack?
Alex: You’re sucking coach’s dick on the side?
Eva: I’ve got nothing. I’m in awe.
This was really impressive.
Rob: Just imagine what I have
up my sleeve if you three don’t call it quits.
Alex: First rule of prank war:
DON’T show all your cards.
If we’re expecting it, you’ll never win.
Mike: Don’t give him pointers, you idiot!
Rob: I play the long game, Fossoway.
You know it.
I’ll get you when you least expect it.
I’ll wait until your guard is down.
Mike: Shit. It’s true.
Evie is proof.
Rob: I’ll be watching you three.
Rob has left the conversation.
Eva: He’s going down.
Alex: That’s my girl.
Mike: He’ll never know what hit him.